I feel like I’ve mentioned this before, but, in most cases, the titles of each of my blog posts are segments from song lyrics that are somehow relevant (to me, at least) to the post itself. In this case, “Hid in the dark of their windows” refers to:
squint your eyes and look closer
i’m not between you and your ambition
…
still there’s many
who’ve turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
’til i passed and left them alone
…
i never tried to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
That is from 32 Flavors, by Ani DiFranco.
I have laid in bed at night for hours, thinking about the last seven months. More than anything else, I lie awake wishing, more than anything, that I could have done something more to protect the friendships and relationships I had come to depend so much on. It is true that I’ve come so much closer to some friends during all of this. But losing contact with some other friends, combined with the pressure of this whole situation, personally and professionally, created a terrible distance between some of the people I came to care so deeply for.
I’m not sure what I could’ve done differently, but if I had the chance, I would try… I know I fell into the line of fire of people who had and have no problem doing absolutely anything to protect their own interests — right or wrong be damned. I just didn’t realize that there would be no accountability, no integrity, no honesty, nothing. We all come to not expect “fair” in life (sadly), but I do expect some level of… Humanity? If naïveté is being unprepared (or unwilling) to accept that everyone act with some degree of integrity, then I think we could all be a bit more naïve.
I think I was somehow able to communicate to thousands of people how important a set of complicated issues were to me, and why I thought they needed to know, and had a right to know the truth behind those issues, as well.
What I will live with, for a long time, was not being able to communicate, to a much smaller group of friends, how much I had come to depend on and care for them, and how much I wanted to be able to answer their questions.
“What’s important in life?” That is one question… My answer today… The difference between my answer today and my answer just a year ago would be like the difference between day and night.
Day and night.
on Jun 8th, 2007 at 03:16
Justen,
I feel for you and your plight as a whistleblower. This country needs more people like you.
You might be interested to know that beginning on May 14, 2007, there was Whistleblower Week in Washington, DC, celebrating and promoting whistleblowers and their role in protecting the health and safety of the American people, and taxpayers’ dollars.
Senator Chuck Grassley, Ranking Member of the Senate Finance Committee, gave a provocative statement on the Senate Floor on that date, available on his website.
Justen, there may be interest in your insight from his committee, especially pertaining to how KP may have used (? wasted) Federal Funds such as Medicare. May I suggest that you inform him and Senator Max Baucus of what you know.
Best regards,
Menoalittle
on Jun 8th, 2007 at 18:25
Integrity, a trait you would think is plentiful, is rare indeed. I’ve learned through the years that you can only control yourself. You may not get as far ahead as you’d like but you’ll sleep better.